Have you guys heard of this “Game of Thrones” thing on the television? It seems to be some sort of “viewing experience” that “causes nation-wide nerdgasims.”
Listen. I read the books. I watch the show. I’ve even got Ned Stark’s limited-edition sword mounted on my wall with a signed passage from George R.R. Martin. While I can assure you my virginity is about as intact as Renly Baratheon’s army, I WILL say the season four premiere got me wondering a lot of things:
- Are we in store for another Red Wedding-esque fiasco with Joffrey’s wedding?
- Who got the other half of Ned Stark’s melted down sword?
- Who will be the first person to high-five Jamie? Can we get a secret handshake between him and Varys?
- Has old lady Tyrell’s sass become the “more cowbell” of our generation?
- If those houses existed today, what sort of marketing would they specialize in?
I know. You all really want one of those explained. And, of course, I’m a man of the people, which is why I’ll choose the one I think everyone wants answered.
So let’s explore that last one.
Type of Marketing: TV Commercial Marketing
House Motto: Sweeps are Coming
Why: Ah, the Starks. So proud. So noble. They believe in the old ways, honoring the old gods and living in harsh conditions equivalent to a Motel 6 in Minnesota. But, just like the Starks, commercials are slowly starting to die out (too soon?).
If this year’s Super Bowl taught us anything, marketers are starting to wise up and move away from multi-million dollar spots that aren’t as efficient as other methods. However, also like the Starks, there are some commercials that really impress you and make you still believe in the old times. And then there’s this.
Type of Marketing: SEO/Content Marketing
House Motto: A Lannister Always Repays His Backlinks
Why: Yes. I KNOW this isn’t their actual motto. But it’s cooler, and you try making something witty out of “Hear Me Roar.”
ANYways…When you think of the Lannisters, they’re basically the embodiment of Westeros. They control the most powerful positions, contribute the most gold to the crown and Tywin Lannister is so badass that there’s a song made in his honor due to him destroying an entire house from existence. Basically, they control it all, which is why they’d make a smooth transition into SEO and content marketing.
Look at some of these stats on SEO and content. Ranking well on search engines and having great content is the key to the kingdom, so naturally the Lannisters would want in on that. Sure, they’d do some shady black hat stuff every now and then (and maybe throw the occasional child out of a window). But, as season four has shown with Jamie as head of the Kingsguard and Tyrion as Master of Coin, they can balance out the corruption of the rest of the family.
Type of Marketing: Social Media Marketing
House Motto: Ours Is The Retweet
Why: The Baratheons and social media have a lot in common. Both came from nothing. Both ascended to the top by kicking ass and taking names (or emails, addresses, phone numbers….). Both are in power now. Both are integrated into basically every new thing made. You can’t go anywhere without hearing their names. And, both have seen big players suddenly fall from grace. It lines up perfectly. Plus, could you imagine Stannis tweeting something?
Stannis, jaw clenched and brow furrowed, stood next to the massive bay window, gazing out pensively across the sea. He clutched his Nokia 3310, contemplating the existential plight of Westeros without a true king, when his phone’s speakers suddenly came to life with a polyphonic rendition of 50 Cent’s “In The Club.” Annoyed, he looked down to see the incoming tweet was from Renly.
Stannis:……What is #YOLOSWAG?
Type of Marketing: Adwords Marketing
House Motto: Fire and Quality Score
Why: The Targaryen name is still important. It carries weight. And, there just so happens there’s still one person living with that name. And she’s so POWERFUL. So unifying. So…dragoned-up. AdWords doesn’t have dragons (yet). However, the reach AdWords has via Google is almost limitless. Really, if you’re doing search marketing, this is the only viable choice — just like if you were still trying to back a Targaryen. Hundreds of thousands of people believe in the power of both these entities. Daenerys would have no problem leading your brand across the vast desert of the internet. Even if it had the title “Scientists HATE Him…”
Type of Marketing: Public Relations
House Motto: Growing Evangelists
Why: Walk into any PR agency/school. Chances are pretty high that you’ll see nothing but beautiful people around. Not only are they the future faces of Hollywood, but they’re extremely talented at generating buzz.
The Tyrells would be all about that. Professional widower/cursed voo-doo relic Margery Tyrell? Smokin hot, and all the common folk love her. Loras Tyrell, master swordsman (HEY-OOOO) and possessor of a weave that would make an in-prime Jamie rage-blush with envy? Gorgeous man-being, and people want to BE him. In the highly visible world of PR, the Tyrells would reign supreme.
Type of Marketing: Telemarketing
House Motto: A Call in the Darkness
Why: No one wants to be in the Night’s Watch. NO ONE. Imagine someone pitching that to you today: “Hey there, sport. I see you’re down on your luck. No real skills that could land you as a jeweler or blacksmith or anything. How about you come work for the Night’s Watch! Granted, no one wants to be there, the conditions are terrible, you’ll barely see the light of day, you won’t really get paid, and it’ll feel like you’re there forever. How’s that sound, sport?”
That sounds terrible. Which is why Night’s Watch brothers would naturally transition to telemarketers. You could literally use that exact script above for telemarketers (except maybe the blacksmith part, but who knows). They wouldn’t even have to fight Whitewalkers. Just….you know…maybe an old white lady IN a walker that wants to talk to you for three hours because they’re lonely and ran out of JAG reruns to watch.
Type of Marketing: Guerilla Marketing
House Motto: Sworn to Surprise
Why: Guerilla marketing is all about surprise. Using means that aren’t generally thought of in the brainstorming circle. It’s about getting down in the nitty gritty and generating big buzz out of relatively innocent and meager origins.
Well, what the f**k do you think that Red Wedding was? Pretty shock and awe, if you ask me. Judging by the Twitter backlash, no one saw that particular event coming. That’s what makes the Freys great guerilla marketers. Granted, they’d probably have to tone down the death toll with their new marketing tactics, but the general surprise and shockwaves they’d generate would be worth it.
But still. I hate them so much. They’d need at LEAST four references for me to hire them.